| | It has been approximately 2 years and 9 months since I last blogged. I suppose I am just typing to myself right now as no one expects I'd be dropping an entry out in a sudden. There are generally two intentions for blogging. One is to promote how happening your life is to the world; whereas the other one is because you feel so frustrated over your mundane life that it's too boring to tell anyone, so you decided to put them in words here.
Surprisingly, it has come to the point where I am feeling lost in my life. I have been waiting patiently for the day where I manage to find 'the thing'. However, I discovered that thing is just something floating in the midst of the air, so aimless, so unnoticeable, so fucking empty. I do not know what I want, I do not know what I am striving hard for anymore. I felt weaker and helpless whenever I thought I could do it all by myself. I miss the people around me, who used to be more solid and attached to me.
I used to be a reserved kid, then an articulate teenager, and now, I am ashamed that I have turned back into a reserved adult. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think I just couldn't find the right ears to spill the trashes inside me. They are rotting in me gradually.
A sense of belonging is pretty crucial to me. I thought that I was an adaptive person. Therefore, I have been taking up all the challenges to live alone. I have pursued my studies in the UK and have been going on an exchange in Sweden just four months after I arrived at the UK. I have been enjoying most of the moments that I have gone through. But deep inside, the memories were too shallow to be etched in my mind. I don't know why.
Since 2001, I have not had a frequent complete family reunion because my big bro had gone overseas for studies. Since 2006, I have lost a big portion of my attachment with my twin brother who had been the bestest companion in my life. Likewise since 2006, I have been apart with my hometown and family most of the time till now. I am glad I have had my friends with me all these while, regardless of hi-bye friends, mere classmates, friends' friends, hang out-only friends or my true friends. You were the ones who made my life happening, and the ones who made my life empty. Till the end of the day, I just feel like going home, to where I belonged, to where the friendly ears were, and where people who loved me were.
Moving on, I had loved a girl so much previously, that I had spent 4 years on her although we had just been together for 7 months. I believed miracle would happen as long as I had the faith to wait. Moron! Don't talk as if you know tonnes about love! It's as complicated as rocket-science. I would say the time I spent was utter wasteful. I am glad that I have let it go.
I do not really know why things are always going so slow for me. Now I am in love with another girl, who I had a crush almost 2 years ago. I did not notice her even though we had been classmates for 2 and a half years. The whole world seemed to disagree that the cupid struck me a love arrow of her. I couldn't believe the strange chemistry that made my heart palpitated faster. I was such a moronic coward not daring to approach her. It took quite a long time till we became normal friends from strangers. I had a low self-esteem I didn't dare to do much about it. One day, I just decided to confess while expecting a reject. And not to my surprise, I got rejected.
A year plus till now, we have been really close. I guess the only way to describe our situation is 'just one step to becoming couple'. I will definitely grasp it firmly since it has been what I dreamed for. Unfortunately, I feel a little tired. I have been trying to approach her and tolerate her cold shoulders. Now as I have gone through all these challenges, God has given us a task again- long-distance. Our relationship ignited when we were 4 months apart from each other. We are going to meet up in another 3 weeks time, but sadly the meet-up will only last for few days before we go apart again for another 3 months. Patience? No more patience. I am getting worried that my faith is going dry soon. We don't have a strong foundation and yet things are still going against my will. Well, let's see then. =[
I have been in Sweden longer than in Glasgow. I always thought Glasgow is where I truly belong (besides Malaysia of course). I can't actually define now because I felt so unfamiliar with my friends back in Glasgow. I can't feel the attachment anymore. Will I feel empty and strange after I have gone back, and lose the sense of belonging? Well, I hope things will only become better.
There are so much more to spill.. But I guess this is where I should stop. 'Stay strong and happy', I say to myself. =]
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| | Posted 5/24/2010 6:23 PM - 76 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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